I know I worked out hard at the gym when I’m brought to the brink of tears, while struggling to get my sports bra off…
The scale has been stuck at the same number for the past month. I never thought I would, or could, say this but I give up. Despite measuring my organic blueberries, walking 45 mins a day, and working with a trainer twice a week, the scale has not moved. I am toning, feeling muscles I forgot I had, sleeping like I mean it, and wearing clothes out of my own closet, that a two sizes smaller. I actually saw my collar bone this morning! So, I give up. Give up basing my progress, and mood, on the number on the scale and will continue to eat better, sleep better, and work out, because I feel strong, in control, and fucking fantastic… and that is all that really matters.
You may be full of love and have the absolute best of intentions in your heart but:
If a friend tells you they haven’t had a drink in over a year, do not insist they have one anyway, because you never thought they had a problem with alcohol… or they may feel you are trying to sabotage them.
If a friend tells you they changed their eating habits and have lost over 30 pounds, do not insist they have a piece of their favorite cake, because they deserve a treat for doing so well on their diet… or they may feel you are trying to sabotage them.
And, if a friend tells you they stopped smoking weed in order to help them with the above, do not insist on them having just a little toke because you know how much they love it… or they may kill you.
A man I met while I told dick jokes on stage was utterly appalled by my unladylike language off stage. Needless to say, I am no longer dating that mother fucker.
To fight my debilitating depression, I have to talk myself up to myself, until I actually believe the hype. Then, when I get too cocky, I have to tell myself to settle the fuck down, because while I do deserve be in a good place, despite of all the shit going on around me, if I was really all that, I wouldn’t have to have these ridiculous conversations with myself to get out of bed, now that I’m sober and don’t have the beacon of a bar to lure me out. And that, is how I achieve the healthy even keel you see today. You’re welcome.
Run in with someone I haven’t seen in over 20 years.
Him: Wow! You haven’t changed a bit.
Me: Shut up! You’re a fucking liar.
Him: See what I mean…
After refusing a glass of champagne, a friend told me it was bad luck to toast with water. So if the marriage doesn’t work out its my fault for not drinking? What a relief! I was afraid it would be because I made out with the bride during the bachelorette party.
Here is my translation of Jodie Foster’s acceptance speech of the Cecil B. DeMille award at Sunday night’s Golden Globes:
Really? You’re giving me the Cecil B. DeMille award? Isn’t that the part of the show were we usually honor those in the business we assumed were dead? I’m only 50 people! Oh wait, that’s right, those are 50 ‘women’ years. I forget we age like dogs in Hollywood.
Robert you rock! I can always count on you to be there for me despite what others may think of you.
I know I’ve been doing this for 47 yrs but I was only 3 when I started, people. Well at least this is going down at the only ceremony where they serve booze, so I am feeling no pain.
Watching those clips is like suffering through home movies. Reliving past loves and pains. Exposing my awkward stages and bad fashion choices over and over again, what fun! It also reminds me how lucky I was to be part of such a, sometimes, supportive and loving community.
Kind of makes me want to state the obvious but they will probably cut the audio for 7 seconds anyway. I’m single now but come on, everyone knows Cheryl and I were long time partners and have a loving family together. I have given everything else of myself to Hollywood but have always wanted to keep my home life private and untarnished by tabloids and the closed minded of the world. I wanted my family to feel safe. I’m not starved for attention and will not sell my family out for a buck.
I’m still not over the attention I got when that whack job tried to assassinate a President over his obsession of me. What could someone who DOESN’T like me be capable of? How could I open myself and my family up to Liza fans?
Thank you to all my closest friends and family for always being so supportive and understanding, for excepting for me for who I am. I treasure your loyalty. Especially my dear Cydney and our wonderful sons.
And, Mom, I love you and would not be who I am without you. It breaks my heart that you won’t understand most of this because of your dementia but most others won’t get it either.
Well now that you’ve given me my gold watch I guess it’s time for me to retire from the only life I’ve known.
Thanks a lot…